The Beauty of Anger
Toddlers are my role models.
I have several friends with children, and they DO NOT want to go to sleep (the children, that is). And when placed in their cribs, they are none-too-happy about life.
They stand on their wobbly toddler-legs screaming and crying at the top of their lungs. You can almost hear them saying, “LET ME OUT! THIS IS AN INJUSTICE! I’M NOT SLEEPY! HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN THIS MINI-JAIL?!”
Their cries are heart-rending, and if I didn’t know they were exhausted from a day at the beach (and a Tutti-Frutti Sno-Cone) I’d petition for them to stay up a bit longer. But they need their beauty sleep. Cause right now they are being little beasts.
But here’s why they impress me: They can scream and cry for upwards of an hour! How?! I’d be tired after a solid minute and a half. How do they persist for 65 minutes? Simple answer, they’re angry!
As adults, we must mature into this pure connection with our authentic anger.
There’s a misconception floating around in self-improvement circles; Namely, that anger is exclusively a secondary emotion. The theory states that anger is a protective emotion for sadness, disappointment, or grief. This can be true, but it doesn’t have to be true.
Anger can also be a primary emotion, but most of us haven’t seen anger experienced correctly.
Many of us have seen one of two extremes: 1.) Anger used in controlling, manipulative, or destructive ways. Or, 2.) Anger suppressed to the point of non-existence.
These two responses to anger are both unhealthy.
Consider our relationship with anger in the metaphor of a house. We are the house and our fence is our relationship to anger.
The first expression of anger (destructive) can be likened to electrified razor-wire. It is threatening and dangerous. No one wants to have vulnerability with someone who has that type of unpredictable emotion.
The second form of anger (suppression) is also damaging. In this scenario, it can be likened to someone who has no fence around their house. Anyone can come and go as they please, and mistreat the home any way they like.
The third—and more healthy relationship with anger—is having a normal fence with a gate. This relationship with anger recognizes when someone is violating their boundaries, but also has a way to give access (or remove it) from another person.
This third relationship with anger allows us to recognize when our sense of personal value is being threatened or when our identity is being violated.
It is this third type of anger that is less common, but far more healthy.
Do we still get really pissed in this third option? YES!
Let me explain.
Many Christians have a bizarre relationship with anger. They are often exhibiting exaggerated versions of the first two “relationships with anger” I explained: controlling/destructive anger or suppressed anger.
When talking to Christians, I like to use this illustration.
I ask, did Jesus ever get angry? If they are familiar with the Bible, they have to say “yes.”
I ask them, “when was he the most upset in the Bible?”
Usually they say some form of, “In the temple. With the whips. And turning over tables.”
I’m like, “yep! Exactly.”
I then explain, “well we know that Jesus didn’t sin. So he was angry, but it wasn’t a sin. And. . .he got angry because His temple was being violated.”
I then ask them, “who is His temple today?”
They generally, and sheepishly reply, “we are.”
I say, “Exactly. So we have righteous anger to our being violated.”
This simple illustration is to help them recognize that anger is a HEALTHY response. It is something necessary when bad things are happening to us or someone we love.
But here is the catch. Anger is an emotion, it isn’t an action. Because anger is an emotion (like sadness), it is meant to be felt, not necessarily directed.
Most people apply their anger in the moment to protect themselves.
“You bi#ch! How could you do that to me?!”
“I was saving that cupcake, and you ate it!”
“Why would you use my toothbrush?!?”
People assume that anger experienced has to be directed like a flame thrower. “I need to burn them to the freakin’ ground.”
Instead, anger can be recognized and experienced internally. When it is cleanly felt, it will be released in a healthy manner.
After feeling our anger we will have more objectivity and clarity about how we were violated, and how we can healthily and safely respond.
The anger becomes our check engine light for a necessary change. In this way, we protect ourselves, our relationships, and others from our rampages.
I AM NOT saying that expressing our anger at someone doesn’t have its place. It does. There are times when it is necessary to protect ourselves or someone we know in the moment. It just shouldn’t be our default to direct our anger before we feel our anger.
I remember when I started feeling anger. I was in college, and something or other popped the champagne bottle.
I was PISSED! I wasn’t pissed about anything in particular, I was just feeling years and years of repressed anger. I was angry for three days straight!
I informed my friends, “I’m sorry if I’m grumpy, I’m feeling some necessary anger, and I’m breathing fire right now.”
To my surprise, even though I was a big grump, people were MORE drawn to me. There was an almost morbid curiosity about what was happening in me. Friends and strangers alike were drawn to me like flies to a light.
In hindsight, I believe there was a magnetism to someone becoming more authentic.
After feeling my long-repressed anger I had more clarity about my identity, my self-confidence, my desires, etc.
It was as if a giant ball-and-chain had been removed from my leg.
So how about you?
What is your relationship with anger? Is it destructive? Is it suppressed? Do you twist it into frustration, or anxiety, or distance in relationships?
What makes you angry? Would you be able to be angry WITHOUT immediately expressing it to someone else?
What do you believe would be a healthy relationship between you and anger? Does that sound scary, vulnerable, or impossible?
I get it. Anger is a powerful emotion, so we’ve all seen it abused or neglected. But maybe it is time for us to reassess the role of anger so that we can understand ourselves, and have recognition of when our identity is being violated.
Still struggling? I know a few sleep-deprived, crashing-from-sugar-highs toddlers who would happily (or unhappily) give you a lesson for free.